While walking the dogs yesterday and listening to Maron’s interview with Adam Goldberg, Maron made a comment about Goldberg having so many ideas. Later the conversation turned to the topic of anxiety (in Maron’s interviews, it frequently does). It didn’t linger on that topic, but my mind did. Whenever anxiety is brought up, my ears perk up and I feel drawn to listening because I suffer from it as well. It always makes me feel better when people explain that their anxiety is a result of being abundantly creative. In many ways this is very true for me.
I’ve noticed that the past few days I’ve been suffering from a bit of anxiety…which isn’t really that rare, I’ve been suffering from it since I was 6 years old. My brain is constantly active. “What about this? What leads to that?
What can I do about this? There’s not enough time in a lifetime to do everything I want to do!” Then that leads to…”I don’t feel good. Why don’t I feel good? I must be sick. Maybe I’m dying. We all die. When am I going to die? Maybe tomorrow? Oh shit, I haven’t done everything I need to do.”
The words in my brain are much more complex and in moments, much more dark. People have told me (and I have also told others) there isn’t a reason to really freak out unless someone is pointing a gun to your head or if there’s a tiger in the room (metaphorically speaking). Well, my brain is so imaginative that I can literally manifest that tiger into my reality. When my mother passed away in March of 2013, it was a catalyst that drove me into a phase of spiraling anxiety. After initial denial, I sought therapy which is helping immensely.
Don’t get me wrong, even with my anxiety, I’m a functioning human. But I don’t like where it takes me. It’s a scary place where one feels they have completely lost control…physically and mentally.
Back to yesterday. I started thinking to myself…”I need to harness all this energy, my creative spirits (demons at times)…but how exactly?” When will I feel like I’m doing enough creatively? Being productive to the point of satisfaction? I paint, draw, write novels, sew monsters and puppets, do a puppet show, perform improv with a great group of people, take classes, write music, play piano/mandolin/guitar/etc., sing, write poetry, make films…etcetera etcetera!
Maybe I haven’t found the exact thing…the specific art that is effective in harnessing this energy? I just finished painting 365 fucking paintings a few days ago and I’m still thinking, What next??? My creativity is feeding itself. Sometimes I feel that inspiration is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be a curse. Sometimes I just
want to sit there, bored, eating my sandwich and watching stupid TV starring teenage werewolves or super heroes without my brain being somewhere else…thinking about the next “project”. I’m not really complaining. It’s just very interesting that something like this could be a problem. Loving too many things.
I’m so lucky that I have the time to even muse something like this. I am so lucky to have so many talented, supportive, like-minded friends and family. I’m so lucky to live in such a diverse, creative, artistic area which to share my creativity in.
But still the anxiety lingers…waiting to pounce like a tiger in the shadows.
There has to be a way. A way to tame that beast, eliminate the fear and learn to love it for what it is.
One day I will find it.